It Will Work Out

I know, I know...I haven't really written on here in quite some time. (I was actually doing good to get up one post every month I thought...and then, well, just skipped March, huh? Whoops.)

It has now been 10 months and 26 days since my dad died (not that I'm keeping count or anything). The last almost year of my life has definitely been also been the *most* difficult of my life. I have learned so much...and one of the most important things I've learned is that everything that I once thought was so important, isn't. If I can actually live without my dad (which, quite honestly, there were times I didn't know if I would make it and I've said more than once that I'm amazed grief doesn't kill people...which a few people have let me know that it actually does...I can see how that could happen...it kicks your @$$) then I can live without so much. If I can survive without my dad, well, I can survive without quite a bit. You'd think this means I've gone through and done some major simplifying and cleaning, but no worries, it hasn't ;) It just means I've realized that whatever happens, I'll be ok. I'm good with this I think. It's very freeing to not have to worry about a lot of stuff that I thought at one time or another was very important.

In other news...something else this last year has made clear to me is what I want to do with my life. For awhile I've been wanting to go back to school, but I didn't know what I wanted to study. For a few years I'd thought about being a chaplain, but I knew I wasn't about to go into the military (but I am SO THANKFUL for those that do!!!), and I didn't necessarily want to work at a hospital; but I thought that was the route I wanted to go. I surrendered to the ministry 10 years ago, which is kind of funny because the only thing I knew for certain was that I wouldn't be working in a church. Ha! Dad was a preacher, and both of my grandfathers were also preachers and I knew that the one place I definitely didn't want to work at was in a church (which is horrible...that should be the one place I'd love to work, alas). The last few months that call has become very clear and I am going to go back to school to get a theological studies degree (as well as some C.P.E. credits but that's another thing entirely) and become a hospice chaplain.

The day before Dad died he was going to be evaluated by hospice so he could start receiving hospice services. Long and short, he died before he could be admitted into hospice care, but the hospice staff still helped us a little bit. The chaplain came by and visited once, and I think Mom might've received a letter from him at some point, I don't really know.

The grief groups I went to last summer were led by a grief and loss center, and without their existence I would've, well, I don't know what I would've done. Through that grief group I learned about some grief luncheons, that a local hospice puts on in-conjunction with other organizations in the area including hospitals, churches and other grief ministries.

So...a few months ago...it just hit me...BAM...DUH AUTUMN...hospice chaplain. Just like that. Suddenly all the pieces fit together and I realized that this is what I need to do. I see a need (for the dying and their families) and I can help meet that need. And...I probably wouldn't have realized it had *my* father not died. Granted, I'd still rather have Dad here...but...I think he would be very proud that this is the path I have found. I think he would be thrilled actually...except for the whole I'll-never-make-any-money-bit ;) Ha.

So the last couple of months have been me trying to get my ducks in a row. Checking out various degrees from various institutions, talking to those working in hospice or who have worked in hospice, talking to people I trust about which degree would be best to pursue, etc...I've pretty much narrowed it down to two choices, well, really one and I'm not exactly thrilled about the feel of the school, but, that's ok. Perhaps that'll change as I'm actually enrolled in and going to school there. But I looked at the degree plan and really, all of the classes make sense and would be extremely beneficial, so I think that's how it's gonna be. Oh, and, it might be slightly easier to get some financial aid there which you know I need. You already know I don't have any money to go back to school with, but, truly, I think that if this is what I'm supposed to do everything will work itself out. And, I actually believe that. I don't feel scared that it won't happen, I know it will. I know it will work out. You know what I mean? I just know. I do kind of get overwhelmed when I think about working full time and then taking classes on top of that and then commuting (although thankfully the school isn't terribly far from me) and PAYING for everything, but, again, I just sit back, take a deep breath and know that it may be hard at times, but if this is truly what I am supposed to do, it will work out. So. Yeah. It will work out. 

This realization does *not* mean that I'm in any way OVER my father's death. For real. I cried like a BABY yesterday in Macy's when I thought I'd lost an earring from the last set he ever gave me. BAWLED. INSIDE MACY'S. But it was so sweet, the ladies working there were so kind to me and helped me look (we didn't find the earring) and took my name and number and told me they would call if they found it. Luckily, when I got back to my car, there it was. THANK GOD. After I calmed down a bit I called them and told them who I was and that I'd found my earring and that I was so thankful that they helped me and were so concerned about me. The lady who answered the phone was actually the lady who'd checked me out and she told me that she was so glad I found it because she knew how much it meant to me since it was from my dad. So. As you can see, I most definitely still have my grief outbursts. If I'm completely honest, I've been pretty weepy since the Thursday before Easter. Easter was always a big deal since Dad was a pastor, and it just hit me out of nowhere. Easter was more difficult for me than Thanksgiving, my birthday OR Christmas, but I was on anti-depressants at that time (under the supervision of a doctor, thankyouverymuch) but I was off them by the middle of January. They helped me A LOT and if it is suggested to you at some point that perhaps you should take them, perhaps you should. You have to make that choice...but that's another post for another day.

So...all that to say...the journey continues.