Grace

*Note: I wasn't going to necessarily say anything about my current significant-other (less) situation on here, but then I read this blog and was the woman this lady was talking about and thought since it helped me to read some of her story, I should be willing to share also.*

I received a phone call from a friend (well, she was returning my call from earlier) yesterday. As soon as we started talking I knew something wasn't right, that she was upset...and I knew exactly what she was upset about. This friend has recently gone through a break-up, and those are all the details you get ;)

My friend, let's call her, Grace, (because I honestly don't want to keep saying my friend) and I talked for over an hour. As she talked, I listened, and butted in on occasion (perhaps more than I should've) and for the first time in over a year saw things from the other side of the fence. I don't mean the side of the person who did the breaking up, I mean the side of the friend who loves you so much and wants the best for you and for you to only be happy.

I have some amazing friends who love me just as I am. I really appreciate this. As Grace was talking yesterday I kept thinking, "But you are so awesome, he is an idiot, YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM GRACE! YOU ARE AMAZING AND WONDEFUL and anyone who knows you is blessed beyond measure...it really is NOT you...you are NOT the problem...you are beautiful, kind, funny, smart, loving, thoughtful, you really are amazing." It boggles my mind that it literally was like looking in a mirror, except I wasn't looking, I was listening, and I was hurting with her and for her. She talked about how she wondered if she was the problem. I too, have often wondered if I was the problem...that maybe if I was just a little taller, or thinner, or blonder, or meaner, or less demanding of time and attention (although, I didn't actually demand that much...just more than what could be given...and sometimes that's the problem, that something simply cannot be given, perhaps even if someone wants to give it...) or whatever the case, if I was just a little more, if I was just a little better in some aspect, would things have worked out between us? Grace said those exact same words to me yesterday, about how she wondered if she was more this-or-that, if it would've made a difference. I told her that it wouldn't have, that all she can be is herself, and I meant it...just like a lightbulb clicked as I realized all I can be is myself. It is simply too exhausting to try and be what you think someone else needs/wants, you can only simply be yourself because that is who you are.

I tried to always be myself in the most recent guy-situation I found myself in. (Myself is pretty awesome...for the most part...we all have things that could be better, but it's so easier to focus on the negative aspects of ourselves than the positives, especially when someone has just turned you away when they used to celebrate the great things about you.) Sometimes it was difficult. Sometimes I felt embarrassed because he was far more experienced in some aspects of relationships than I and I felt like my lack of knowledge could've been seen as a bad thing. The truth is, it was not, it still is not. I am not ashamed because I have or have not done certain things, because all along the way I was myself. And I think Grace will one day (perhaps the day she gets a phone call from another friend) realize that it would not have mattered if she was more of one thing or another because when she looks back she will see that she was herself, and herself simply is enough. And you know, actually, I think Grace knows this just like I know it. It's just hard to accept this fact as truth when you're hurting.

Grace and I also talked about how your happiness can't depend on one person. This is so true, but it is sometimes a difficult lesson to learn, at least it has been for me. The guy that I once knew did make me happy, anytime we were around each other I was very happy. Anytime before or after we were around each other I was happy. It was during the times when we were not together that I was unhappy, and I was unhappy because he was unhappy and in turn would sometimes take out his frustrations in other areas of life on me (not physcially, nothing violent). I've had this same conversation with other friends, that you can't let someone control your emotions, and it is very true. You cannot. But. How can you deny that being around a certain person makes you feel better than you ever have before? You can't. Sometimes, that is just the way things are, but it doesn't mean that life ceases to exist everywhere else, no matter how much you'd like for this person to be your entire world, no matter how much you'd like to be their entire world. 

I have known Grace for many years, she is one of my best friends. I love her very much. I know that she will be fine, just like I know that I will be fine (and heck, I'm doing loads better than I was). The only thing I can think to say to her (besides that she truly is enough and awesome) is simply that he is an idiot. Just like so many of my friends told me. He is an idiot. Might these guys wake up one day and realize the awesomeness before them? Perhaps, perhaps not. It doesn't matter why they chose to walk away, for now we just have to accept that it hurts like the dickens and we have to tell ourselves that he is an idiot because seeing the good side of someone doesn't help you get over them at all. Boo. Score one for negativity ;)