Heartache

The one good thing I can say about July is that I survived it. I wasn't certain I would. Heartache is so painful. Truly. There are days when I miss Dad so much it is literally unbearable...and then, then they are days when I think of him and just smile.

I haven't updated the blog in awhile because I'm quite certain everything I would write would be depressing. And some of it doesn't need to be shared with the entire world. But I need to write, I need to get some things off my chest.

I've learned that there really is no preparation for the loss of someone through death. I mean, I thought (naively) that I was prepared for Dad to die. I thought this because I knew it would happen; I didn't know when it would happen, but I knew it would happen and I knew it would be sooner than I wanted (not that that's something you ever want...for your parent to die). I thought this because I tried to prepare myself for a world without Dad, but see, my world doesn't exist without my dad...at least, not the world I've known for the last 31 1/2 years...this world now? This is a completely new and different world (and I am NOT a fan).  What I have discovered though, is that there is really no way to prepare for the void that someone you love will leave when they die (yes, I've had other people close to me die, but this is different). The finality. The end.   That's all she wrote folks (or in this case, he). The one way I was prepared though is this: I made sure my dad knew that I loved him, and I knew he loved me...there was nothing I had wanted to say to him that I didn't get to...I was able to show him how much I loved him last summer when I spent a week with him in the hospital. And I am so thankful we had that time together. I was really worried that he was going to die in that hospital last summer (incidentally, that hospital is the hospital where he died) and I'm so glad he didn't. I'm so glad we were able to have our week long "slumber party" as I often called it. I mean, can you imagine having to stay in the hospital for a week by yourself? I can't. I knew Dad didn't want to be there alone, and I didn't want him to be alone. I was so scared that week, so scared...but...I'm so glad we had it.

I've learned that just because you experience one of the worst things that can possibly happen (death of someone you love dearly) that doesn't exclude you from other suck-y things happening at this same time in life...other suck-y things such as the really awesome guy you're dating deciding one month and one day after your father has died that he no longer wants to date you. (Which, by the way, is pretty freaking tough and comes with it's own set of emotions and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really angry with him right now). Other suck-y things like life being chaotic wherever you turn...Dad's gone, guy you're dating's gone, work is topsy-turvy (at best), and feeling like no one is there for you. (Sidebar: there are people there for me...when they can be...the problem seems to be that when you're grieving you always need someone...even if it is someone to just sit there and BE with you, no talking, no doing anything besides simply saying, "I love you and I'm here for you" just with their presence...at least, that's what I need but everyone grieves differently...and that is simply not how my life is...people are only available when they are available, and I'm very grateful they're available when they are, but when they are not...it simply, sucks.)

I've learned a lot about grief and mourning. I've learned that it really is ok to feel how I'm feeling (happy, sad, dreadful, anxious, excited, despair, anger). But I've also learned that some people say that and don't mean it. For me, I feel how I'm feeling and sometimes I shove down how I'm feeling if I'm around certain people. This isn't good because those emotions will eventually come out in some form or fashion and it's best just let them come out when they want to. And I know that I require great patience from people right now, and I'm truly grateful that they extend it to me. I'm learning though, that I also require great patience from myself. For some reason, I feel like I should be feeling better, that my emotions shouldn't be all over the place, that I shouldn't still miss that guy who decided it was in our best interest for him to leave, that I should be grateful Dad was in my life for 31 1/2 years (and truly I am)...but the facts remain that sometimes I sleep until 12:30 (hello yesterday) or don't take a shower until 5 o'clock and have to force myself to get out of the house (hello a couple of Sundays ago), sometimes I am laughing and then crying and laughing while I'm crying or so angry I could spit and it's better I just shut up than make a bad situation worse and that Dad is no longer here and that  SUCKS MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD BECAUSE HE IS NOT HERE AND I WANT HIM HERE...and...that's ok. It's great that he's no longer in pain. The tears I cry are not for him...they are for me. I miss him. I want him here...I want him to tell me that life is going to be ok, that that guy isn't the last guy in the world and clearly he's stupid since he walked away from me, and that someday the pain of his (Dad's) absence won't be quite so fresh. But, he can't tell me these things.

I'm learning that life goes on...I have two friends who are pregnant. I so want to share in their joy, but it's been beyond hard for me to in my grief. I have another friend who he and his wife just had their first baby and going to see him last week right after he was born, that was the first time since Dad's death that I was truly rejoicing with my friends in their good fortune. That little baby is beautiful and I know he has an amazing dad, much like I did.

Life goes on...indeed it does. However, this is a completely different life for me, a life without my dad. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem like it should be allowed to happen. "Who ok'd this?!? Who told him it was ok to die?" My dad's friend who performed his burial said this to me one day when we were talking...and I had to tell him, "Actually Thom, I did..." Because I did...a few hours before Dad died when I got to the hospital I told him that very thing, that if he needed to go, that was ok. I didn't think he'd take me up on it! (kidding) But I do miss him...and I do wish we'd had more time. There's never enough time with those we love, or those we want in our life who leave...

Since we need to end on an "up" note I'll leave you with my current favorite quote, "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." (Proverb)