Thursday Thoughts

Days like today aren't the worst, but they aren't the best either.

I'm not happy, but I'm not in the throws of the deep, deep sadness. I've cried some...and wanted to cry some more (but it's not as bad as it can be).

Sometimes well meaning people just hurt with the things they say..."it's been x number of days/months...just get over it..." Well you know...if it was that easy...I would... don't you think I'd like to? Don't you think I'd like to be back to my old self? Don't you think I wouldn't like to cry myself to sleep at night? Don't you think I'd give anything for one minute just to be ok and NOT be thinking about Dad and how he's gone or even that guy? Don't you think so? Don't you think I'm frustrated and annoyed with myself that I even miss that guy? That he takes up space at all in my mind? Well...newsflash...I am. Trust me. But what those well meaning people don't seem to realize is that he was around during a particularly rough time in my life, and for that I will always think dearly of him.

I started to write him a letter last night...a letter that he will never see. It talked about how angry I am with him, and frustrated I am with myself. He'll never see it for a variety of reasons...because I'd much rather have an actual discussion with him face-to-face (but that will probably never happen). He'll never see it because it would probably do more harm than good. He'll never see it because (in my mind) I am not worth it to him...if I was, he would contact me. But that's not happening and yes, I'm aware...I just need to get over that. But...I can't because of that whole dealing with my father's death thing (which, by the way, not easy or pleasant or anything besides all-consuming and hard and sad and not fair and so many other things...but not one thing changes the reality of it...). And there's no doubt in my mind that it's a little extra difficult rightthisverysecond because tomorrow is the three month anniversary of Dad's death. I can't believe it's been three months. How is that possible? I've never gone this long without talking to my father...I miss him so much. This new normal? SUCKS.

I know people just want me to be ok and that they care...and I am thankful they care...but...I'm just trying to make it through each day and that's difficult. I've typically thought of myself as a compassionate person most of my life...I usually feel like when something happens where someone reacts to me in a negative way that it's usually something going on in their life and probably isn't actually about me...but I think I'm starting to understand that whole "Don't judge a man by his shoes until you've walked a mile in them" saying a little bit better...I just wish other people would too.