- Just because I have a smile on my face and haven't burst into tears doesn't mean I don't want to. I'm trying to control it so I don't have to deal with your reaction to my grief.
- Just because you think I'm having a good day doesn't mean I am.
- I am able to laugh, but not as often or as much as I'd like.
- If you ask me if I'm happy, or how I'm doing...I'll probably burst into tears. You've been warned.
- I never knew it was possible to miss someone so much or hurt so badly. I was very close to my Granny who died when I was 19...and she was the first very close death I experienced, but, it was different. Each death is different.
Tomorrow would be his 71st birthday. Maybe that's why I'm upset right now...but I was fine until my boss asked me during my evaluation if I was happy here. Umm...I'm sorry...have you been absent for the last 4 months of my life? I'm not happy about anything. I know I will be happy again, and for longer than a five minute period of time...but...right now? No, I'm not happy here. I'm not happy anywhere or with anything. I don't know what to do, or how to do it, but I do know that I feel like I'm constantly disappointing everyone. The great thing about that is that I shouldn't care about what everyone else thinks...everyone else (just like me) has been wrong before, and no one else has to live my life.
Yeah. Still missing Dad.
Sorrow. Sorrow has taken on a whole new meaning to me because I've experienced it...and try as I may, I cannot put it into words to express the feeling, the despair, the agony. I've heard all those words used before to describe sorrow, but I'd never felt them before. I'm now a member of a club I have no desire to be in, can I revoke my membership? No? Fantastic. People don't seem to understand sorrow if they have not experienced it themselves, and that, is actually ok. What's frustrating is the people who have experienced sorrow but forgotten how bad it really is. People who you think would let you just let it out when you need to, yet always seem to have something to say...we're so ignorant as a people to people who are truly hurting. We can't let people just hurt and grieve and heal, we want an immediate fix. No lie, I'd love to just go to sleep and sleep through the next three months...but that isn't reality. I have to experience Dad's birthday, Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas all without him here. And that is going to be so difficult for me I know it is. I know it is. Yet...I have to do it. There is no other option. And I will survive. I guess that's the funny thing about all of this...is that these things that you think (or rather I think) could literally take me down and kill me, do not. I must say though, I am truly truly amazed that grief does not actually kill people.
I found a card that Dad had given me when I moved up here...it was about goodbyes, and I know he didn't give it to me when I went away to college...there's no date but inside he'd written, "Trust the Lord and do good. Love, Dad." That would make for an excellent tattoo I think. You know, if I was a tattoo-getting kind of person...maybe I should be...maybe I am after all. Probably not, but it's a nice thought.
Hugs. Today is the 7th anniversary of one of my best friends/sometimes boyfriend's passing. It took awhile, but I don't cry anymore and you'll get there.
ReplyDeleteI ended up designing a tattoo in memory of him and every-time I catch a glimpse I think of him fondly.
Hang in there. Sorrow and loss aren't something that just go away. And don't let anyone tell you that you should "get over it."
ReplyDeleteWhen we lose someone, we're forever changed. Eventually, you'll smile and laugh again, but you'll be different. Better - and you'll probably appreciate the smiles and laughs that much more.
Thanks for your kind words ladies. I was wondering what the 27th was for you Cute Ella, but I didn't want to ask. I agree completely Sue, we are forever changed when we lose someone.
ReplyDeleteHi Autumn. This was the first story I read on your blog. I am an artist, and I made you the tattoo you spoke of above.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.zazzle.com/autumns_tote-149004868963280037
Sorry for your loss. I miss my sweet Grandma everyday. Luckily we have their memory to hold onto and we get to meet them in our dreams from time to time. You can get the art printed on pretty much anything you can imagine at that Zazzle shoppe, should you choose to do so, or just keep the art as a memento. Hope this doesn't upset you- I just thought it was a beautiful phrase for you to have as a memory of someone you loved/loved you - so much. <3